Sometimes All You Need is One

To follow on from the post on depression that is doing the rounds on facebook, I thought you all should know a little about what I deal with. I get the whole depression thing, but I can be fine, and out of the blue the littlest thing can bring my world crashing down. Innocent things get twisted in my brain to the point that my self esteem takes a hiding, that my logical understanding of things can be twisted. I can end up curled up on my bed bawling, because nothing makes the pain go away because I genuinely feel so alone and unloved and that nothing good is ever going to happen to me. It's so hard to stop feeling that way, and then I can find an even keel, and once again the rug is pulled from underneath me. That doesn't mean that is actual truth, the truth might be that the person who must not love me does, but when I get stuck on this twisted thinking, for me the truth is what I feel, not what it might actually be in the real world. So don't be offended if I post that I feel unloved or that I am so alone. I know people love me and are there for me and I know that good things can happen, but when I get taken over, I may as well just not know that cause in my head and heart I apparently don't. Yes this was a personal share, but I feel people should have an opportunity to understand what I go through on a daily basis. And for me right now its is all exacerbated by the fact that my very condition drove away the one person I love the most in this world. So I really don't like myself right now even though I know that I am a good loving person, I just can't fathom anything positive right now.

Is it really a surprise someone would give up on me? I know I'm screwed up and I know I push, but damnit I have worked so hard to push less, but I was pushed to my limit and she wouldn't listen and now its my fault I had a breakdown and couldn't control all my insecurities. It's always my fault. Now she's gone.

There is no point to this shit anymore. I'm sick of trying.

Interesting conversation with the Mental Health Nurse on Thursday. Aside from her joining the chorus of people telling me to finish this school year, despite me being so far over it is not funny anymore, she told me that I have become so used to anxiety that when I have a normal persons level of high anxiety I don't feel it. So when I do feel anxious... oh my goodness...

I am so highly strung right now. I have been trying to figure out why.

The pressure to go to Hobart for a stupid long weekend of paying for a hotel for three nights, paying entry to a stupid event, and watching my girlfriend and friend get drunk and hit on girls, while I sit by soberly because I can't afford to drink, comes to mind.

But then I thought about it more, and I realised I don't want to listen to my girlfriend go on about how hot some of these chicks are, when being intimate with me seems like a fucking chore to her. Yeah, maybe that's what is stressing me out some, plus the school thing. I told my girlfriend and my friend I am not going next weekend. I don't need to put myself through that crap. I might like to torture myself, but not that much.

As for this school thing, meh. I'll probably fail anyway... so what do I care? I might be smart, but when I can't be bothered to such an extreme level that I get stressed out trying to make myself do it... I'm probably not getting it done. Oh well, all I can say is I tried to warn ya'll, but nobody listens to me. "It's just four weeks AJ", "You're so close to an achievement" BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Whatever.

Just, whatever.

... or do or write or feel.

I've tried to just have an easy day today without thinking about all the stuff I need to do. Got my laundry done and have organised aspects of my computer and just watched some TV, which is good I guess.

Last night by time the girlfriend and I were done watching fireworks and browsing K-Mart I curled up into bed while she played on my computer and listened to Moves Like Jagger. I don't know if it was here being here or the music or what but I eventually fell asleep, only to wake up when she was ready to leave. I still felt drowsy but after she left I had trouble returning to my slumber and it frustrates me how easily I sleep until she leaves. I think I slept okay once I returned to sleep.

Everything feels so dull right now. I feel restless. I feel bored. I don't have the time or energy for everything I need to do and that seems to be all I can focus on.

I am dreading the return to work placement on Monday. I'm dreading the stuff I have to write up about what I have learned, before returning on Monday.

So drained.

I'm feeling so overwhelmed at the moment. There is so much going on and so much I am not getting done and I miss Jamie and I have had no time for me this past week and I just feel so stressed out. I'm tired all the time and over this not being able to sleep properly.

Upside as has been time spent with the girlfriend, she has been amazing. I've enjoyed just having her to hold or talk to, but I do just still end up feeling so overwhelmed.

I feel like I am not ready to go back to work yet, at least not anything fulfilling. This makes me feel useless.

So I am back again. I am trying to turn LJ back into a habit again. It's the next morning, just. I'm just chilling in front of the TV while my beautiful girlfriend gets some much needed sleep. Geelong did the world a favour by defeating Collingwood, so I am pretty stoked by that.
Was a great afternoon and evening watching the footy and partying. Ebony (a recent friend from women's football team I play for) ate her weight in food which was amusing to me. We watched Coyote Ugly, also amusing and brought back loads of memories from years gone by. One fact remains, Piper Perabo is the most gorgeous woman.

The hard part of last night was bed time, a minor case of indigestion made it feel harder to breathe and it made me feel a little anxious internally as has often been the case lately when I have been suffering any mid ailment. This anxiety is left over from when I dealt with the death of my neighbour a few years ago. Anyways my girlfriend helped me feel a bit better by giving me an extra pillow to prop up on and some mylanta to help settle the indigestion. We then snuggled for a bit and I tell you nothing is as soothing as lying in her arms.

While I was anxious I was thinking that it was just indigestion and that it was a little harder than normal to breathe, but that I could still breathe and that I should stay calm. I was feeling stressed and worried. I was fine after I propped up for a little bit and distracted myself talking with the girlfriend. Distraction works well with my anxiety over physical health issues.

I need more sleep, but instead I shall talk with Jamie while the girlfriend sleeps more.

So here I am, almost one year to the day since my last entry. Still live and kicking. I blame facebook for my absence. I feel like it became easier to just update statuses than to sit down and actually write something of substance (or little to no substance). Anyways I am back, in some part because Tennya (I don't remember how to friend tag) has asked me a couple of times to return and because I need a forum for writing things down for analysing my thoughts and feelings.

So yeah if I manage to make this a regular thing again it is for me in the sense that I really don't care if anybody reads and I wont be making it user friendly just for the sake of it. I might write lists, I might write in depth posts of an emotional level or I might just dribble crap. I have to start working through aspects of my life and my Mental Health Nurse has encouraged me to write different things down.

Today however I guess is more about an update of where I am now at in life. The good news following my last post is that the Dragons did indeed win the NRL premiership, which was quite awesome for me. This year though Manly and the Warriors are playing off and I hate Manly, so go Warriors. Better I just think about the rugby too, because today is AFL Grand Final day and its taken me a week to get over the travesty of justice with how much umpire assistance Colingwood received in the fourth quarter against my beloved Hawks last week. I hope Geelong smashes them today.

What else is new? Well I am sitting at my girlfriend's house as we prepare for a nice grand final party. Yes I know amazing how someone like me with so many trust issues and low self esteem could actually land a girlfriend. Well I have and she is a wonderful person, she is teaching me a lot about life and supports me in my endeavour to become a better/healthier person in both body and spirit. I am very fortunate and thankful to have this amazing woman in my life. We have been together over 6 months which has to be a record for me when it comes to real life in-person relationships.

Jamie is still my best friend and in many ways we are stronger than ever. I am thankful for the lessons I have learned from her that have helped me grow as a person to be ready to participate in a healthy relationship.

Yeah I also succumbed to World of Warcraft, yes we can blame Jamie who taught me about trying things before dismissing them. I find it to be enjoyable at times, although at the moment I am more looking forward to Battlefield 3 (if it works on my system). I also really want to get Madden 12 for my Xbox 360 and eventually NBA 2k12. Although I seem to have less and less time to game between study (and work placement which begins Monday for the next three weeks).

I'm tired right now, I didn't sleep well last night. My anxiety has been getting to me some, not as bad as it used to, but enough to disturb my sleep. I think i need a quick nap before the festivities. I'll try and come back soon LJ World.

I just answered a question on a forum about how my card collecting obsession began... well this is what I answered with.... Maybe ya'll will understand my love of cards a bit better for reading this....

Wow, how many times have I answered this sort of question... I think this question is only half the story, the other half of the story is why do you still collect as an adult? But first I think I'll answer the original question. How did you start your collecting obsession?

I will preface this with the information that I am a 28 year old female collector from Tasmania.

The first cards I bought were 1989 Ashes series, I collected the set and actually sold them to somebody on here sometime in the last two years... I also collected 1990 Scanlens footy cards. I used to keep all the gum that came in those packs in a jar. Come 1991 I only was able to buy a handful of packs of footy cards and I bought even less in 92 and 93. But boy did cards change in 1994 with Selects AFL series showing a depth of card I had never experienced before - glossy as!

Anyways I bought some packs and would trade with kids up the street, in one pack I pulled Doug Hawkins, the only common the kid's father needed for his set, yeah I traded for about 60 cards I needed... fun times, I even ended up with some 93/94 Upper Deck, which I still consider to be the equal coolest base design along with Skybox premium from the same year. I showed these basketball cards to a friend of my Mum's and he pointed out one Isaiah Rider and told me he was going to be a star. He became my man there and then. It took until Garnett came along for me to actually follow Minnesota, before that I was sucked into the Penny/Shaq Magic craze even getting a Shaq jersey as a kid.

We moved and the neighbourhood kids there were into cards, and so I had $10 my Dad had given me before I caught the bus back to Launceston following a visit, and I bought 4 packets of 94/95 Collectors choice from Chickenfeed (local variety store) and pulled a Michael Jordan Silver Signature card... I wandered over to the local card shop where I traded that Jordan for more packs and I kept pulling mojo (good cards) the shop guy wanted and while I walked in with 4 packs I left with 36... yeah you could say I was hooked from that moment on.

My best pull though remains non basketball, and I still have this card but probably not mint mint condition... from the Batman Animated series card release I pulled the Holodisc.... it was worth $180 at the time - have no idea now... I was so stoked with that card. So I kept collecting, mostly basketball, even pulling a Kobe Bryant Topps NBA 50th Anniversary RC (I had no idea who that was at the time - I was more concerned with discovering through that set that Rider had been traded from Minnesota to Portland).

But the hobby slowly died and the card shops that used to be 3 in my city dwindled to one, until eventually that too closed. Took a break for a bit, joined up with ebay and bought a couple boxes from Taz_Cardz and he told me about this place, and wow when I got to Ozcards it was like a whole new world had opened up for me... a much safer one for trading, people are less likely to rip you off when their reputation is on the line. I learned that the hard way with a deal done outside ebay and without a forum to help... but I can happily say that's the only time I've ever had to deal with such rubbish, because this place became a card collecting haven.

Took me a while to channel my collecting... I've always collected Timberwolves, but collected way too many players beyond just their Wolves cards. Kept collecting Rider though and now I have a pretty darn fine collection of Rider's and I continue to try and add to it, looking for a lot of the rarer cards and oddballs now. I've made a few great mates stemming from this site and I sure am grateful for that.

Now to my question, why do you still collect as an adult? I collect as an adult because its a reminder of simpler times. Most of my good memories in life are tied in to cards. Yes I realise when you analyse that a little deeper it's a little sad, but at least I can say that something has brought me joy. I'm not blessed with smashing good looks or a perfect figure or any real talent (apart from being the most loyal friend a person could have) and I was never really taught how to interact well with people as a child, so I was never very good at making friends. Cards helped me make friends at least on some level, simply through a common interest. I still don't have that many friends, and I have had two sources for making friends, cards and a chat room for my favourite musician. The only person I talk to every day is a friend I met through cards, my best friend I met through some one from the musicians chat room ( we just don't happen to be talking every day right now), but then I know at least three other guys that I enjoy chatting to or playing xbox live games with, through this site and cards. So the cards win.

I continue to collect because of the opportunity to develop friendships with others and because I hope to help the next generation find the same joy in these pieces of cardboard, like I have. I probably shouldn't say this and I am sure someone will take advantage of this, but if I know I'm trading with someone younger than 15 I am more generous to them - it's just the way I am. I still am pretty generous if I can help someone's collection anyway, but when it's a kid, I try harder.

Oh and I love my Timberwolves, I like the underdog I guess. So many of my teams I started barracking for them because they were winners when I first understood the sport - Hawthorn, Man United, Dallas Cowboys, St George Dragons (oh please win tomorrow) - but with Minnesota, they sucked, then they got better, but didn't achieve, and now they suck again, but just like Hawthorn sucking all these years, once I pick a team, I stick with them. I'm really extra excited about this upcoming season, because I've always liked Martell Webster and it will be great to see him play for my team and Beasley is looking prime for a break out season as THE MAN, so what better time to collect. It keeps me connected with what is going on in the basketball world.

The reward for me besides helping people with their collections is a mail day, even if all I get is some Timberwolves base, smile on my face for a week and pep in my step, which I need - I won't bore you with the details there. So that is why I try hard to make sure those people who help me out know my appreciation, especially those that have sent me cards outta the kindness of their heart or thrown in extras in trade deals, guys like nenjabin, aussie2al, HSV, Duckypoo, garnettfan4life, aussielaker, billyhoyle and others I just can't remember right now... these guys have brought me much joy and sometimes at times when I feel like things just can't be any worse, cards just show up... and I have a reason to smile. So thank you - especially to Dave aka Aussielaker, because I donot have the words to describe the difference things he has done for me have made.

So yeah, that's why I still collect. Thank you all.

I haven't written in over a month. That's become the norm. I read my friends posts, but, I just don't feel like putting my life into words.

Things with Jamie have been better than ever since she's been back, but now she hasn't been around for close to 3 days, with no sign of her at all and it makes me worry. It's a worry brought on by the fact she lives in the USA, it's a dangerous country and I feel like anything can happen there 10 times as much as anything could happen here, although it's all the same really, it's just my perception. She knows I worry, so I am annoyed. But mostly worried. I hate worrying about if she is okay or if something happened. I hate it. I dislike being scared for her safety. In the past she's always wound up being fine more or less, but that doesn't change the fact that this time maybe she isn't. I really don't need this stress.

In unrelated comments, I hate the fucking cold. I'm over it. My hands are so cold just typing this. Over it.

Subject says it all really. She's back and it wasn't anything I did, she was just... doing what she had to do, which I did suspect, still... I'm just happy to have her back. Unconditional love is what it is and I shan't hold her actions against her. I didn't even subconsciously try make her feel guilty this time, I just let it be. Growth. I like that.