Sometimes All You Need is One

Tomrrow I am going to see the new Twilight movie with Pants, then we are going up to Kings Meadows to have dinner with Megan and Michael, before we all, plus my sister rachel, go ten pin bowling. I have missed bowling, it's one of my favourite things to do.

Have softball today provided it's not rained out, which I usually enjoy, but am feeling sick today. Ate something that did not agree with me at all last night and I'm still copping it a bit this morning.

I'm also watching Desperate Housewives from the beginning... as I have the first 4 seasons on DVD loaned to me, so I figure why not. It's something to do besides hang out on my xbox or PC all day.

Things with Jamie are good. Had a bit of a week where we struggled to do much together and I did get a little frustrated with it and irrational, but we talked it out rather than me going nuts on her. Realised that all these fears are silly, and Jamie said it was okay and that I wasn't going backwards with my progress and confidence, just that sometimes people have bad days or a bad week. Was good to hear that from her, because I really have felt like I have been going backwards with my self esteem. Instead just trying to use this time to refocus and recalibrate.

Ironically most of the irrational fears I get to do with Jamie stem from the fact she communicates best via action and I communicate best via verbal skills and so even though I see all these actions that should make me feel secure in our friendship, because they aren't backed by verbal acknowledgements a lot of the time, I struggle to see what needs to be seen until I sit down and actually verbalise her actions... and then I see everything I need to see and don't feel as insecure.

With that said, I really miss having somebody to talk to about all this, as I think I was doing better overall when I could talk to the psychologist about my irrational fears.

Still at least progress has been made, I feel like I am in a place where recognising the different ways Jamie and I communicate with each other will stick, so I should theoretically get a lot less insecure now.

So the ORS Group, who is my Job Services Australia agency are an incompetant bunch of fucktards.

I was supposed to be reimbursed bus fare for having to go in there every day for this 4 week course that I stupidly agreed to do (I didn't have to do it, but I agreed to do it and THIS is how I am made to pay for trying to better myself). I took in my bus tickets and I was supposed to get a refund in my bank account, didn't get one, have hassled them for ages to sort it out, now they are finally sorting it out they can't find MY tickets... so instead of meg etting refunded they are offering me $30 worth of bus tickets... THAT I DON'T FUCKING NEED.

I need the cash you incompetant piece of shit fucking morons.

Fuck the world. I am sick of getting screwed over trying to do the right damn thing.

I am sad right now.

I miss Jamie. She's been working and sleeping and we haven't crossed paths. It makes me worry.

Hope to see her tomorrow. But there's this whole softball barbeque after our final game, and I probably should socialise there before coming home, and yeah I kind of envisage us not seeing each other for a couple more days.

I'm just sad.

In other news, my awesome personality may have earned me some casual work at Wendy's. Not overly keen on food service... but the woman said she was looking to see if she would have a little bit of work to help me out. The people at that store are very lovely people, and just the fact they have been thinking about helping me out makes me want to help if they do find something useful for me to do. I do appreciate the kindness of others.

Got tax ammendment back today, way less than I expected... rather crappy result for me actually. Owe my sister money that I was supposed to pay back with this lot... now I don't have enough to pay her back.

*sigh*

My psychologist says she thinks I ama lot more balanced now. I am inclined to agree. I still have my moments, but those moments are lot less than they used to be.

Good times.

Well Jamie ended up showing up at like 11pm and we chatted for an hour, she was sad and felt very lonely. I couldn't do much for her because she needed somebody there to focus on her for a bit, because she can't really talk about what she's feeling and thinking, just needs someone to hang out with her. It really sucks that Jen is so fail at recognising this.

It is the one thing I struggle with, not being able to be there and be that person to hold her when she needs to be held. Sucks more because she has nobody around her capable of doing that. Days like these and nights like last night make me wish that $10k would appear in my bank account or I'd win it or something... just so I could be there for her. I hate how depressed this is making her.

Otherwise I am good. Continue to work on the self esteem exercises that the psychologist gave me and also working on eating better. Bought a few vegetables and fruit when I went grocery shopping. I am working on eating better portion sizes as well. It's just a shame I can't afford to keep eating so well. I spent $100 on groceries and most of them were not long life. Vegetables, fruit, sausages, fish and soda water (long life yes but won't last long lol). I really do enjoy eating well, but I can't freakin afford to all the time :(

Guess that will do for now.

So things have been a little more worry inducing lately. A few symptoms have flared up for Jamie and she still hasn't been able to get back to the doctor, although that should change next week. Thing is I haven't heard from her in almost 24 hours and it wouldn't have been so worrying if not for the chest pain she was experiencing yesterday, so now I'm worried and nervous and scared. Still no news is good news, she may simply have been busy and wanted a day to herself, but yes, worried.

Things have been so incredible with her lately, hanging out and talking or playing games. I'm really making a difference in her life at the moment, when everything is so stressful for her. I've been doing fantastic at helping her forget by playing games and not talking about it as much as I want to. I have been playing the role of the strong friend and I am proud of how well I have been doing. It's amazing how a little self esteem can help with some of the simple things.

Of course when things are so good, it makes me more painfully aware of how quick things could change. Really hope I see her tomorrow. Miss her and need to know she is doing okay.

I just looked at my userinfo.

My journal is being read by two more russians! Go figure.

*waves*.

There is something to be said for a good blog. Mine is not that, but it's mine and thus I write for me, not for others. People rarely comment, and some people (I have such a long memory) just randomly up and remove me. That's their perrogative for their life. It doesn't bother me so much now, because I am making the forward strides I need to make for myself. Afterall it is my life and if what I needed to do to get through in the past was to whinge and moan or be sad in my personal blog, then so be it.

I recognise this blog is rarely written in anymore and not near is interesting as it used to be, but I guess that's just another part of life. Ebbs and flows. This journal is still a history of me, and I think that is the beauty of these places. I've probably lost some of my history at diaryland, as i just stoppped going there and I wonder if its even still active. I sure had a LOT of posts over there.

I just visited Diaryland and basically reactivated the account. That was a sight with a lot more substance, I put so much more effort into writing over there. Maybe I'll do that again soon. Maybe I won't, hard to say. Maybe I'll move the entries over here. Now THAT would be a tedious job.

I've kind of drifted now... oh well this is today's entry then.

Because sometimes I feel inclined.... stolen from Liss and edited to match my responses.

1. My ex is... human ;)
2. I am listening to... Hate is the Star - Lucy Lawless and Renee O'Conner
3. Maybe I should... make some lunch.
4. I love... sport, games and my friends.
6. I don't understand... why I must wake up before 7am on a Saturday.
7. I lost... my Tazos, a long long time ago heheh.
8. People say... too much. They should shut up more. As should I, heh.
9. The meaning of my screen name is... jaguar7482 = my fave car company and birthdate.
10. Love is... so many things.
11. Somewhere, someone is... eating Taco Bell.
12. I will always... barrack for Hawthorn.
13. Forever seems... a long way away.
14. I never want... wake up before 7am on a Saturday again.
15. My cell phone is... on the table in front of me.
16. When I wake up in the morning... I want to go back to sleep.
17. I get annoyed when... people are stupid. - Ditto!
18. Parties are... awkward.
19. My pet(s) is.... not mine, but I love him so... beautiful Billy.
20. Kisses are the best when... you get them? LOL
21. Today I... did the dishes.
22. Tomorrow I will... attend softball training.
23. I really want... to meet my best friend.


TEN FIRSTS
First Best Friend: Adrian. He turne dout to be a dick.
First Screen Name: ajstuart24 was what i used for many email accounts and AIM.
First Pet: Family pet was Apollo (cat) my first pet was Sam (dog).
First Piercing: none.
First Crush: Lisa McCune ROFL
First CD: Your Little Secret - Melissa Etheridge
First Car: I'm sure it was of the Matchbox variety ;)
First Stuffed animal: Monkey, who is, well a monkey and resides on my mantle.
First memory: I can vaguely recall having my nappy changed. Awesome hey? lol
First Job: Media Monitor.

NINE LASTS
Last Beverage: Cascade Black Currant syrup with soda water.
Last Car ride: Yesterday home from my course.
Last Movie Seen: Jurassic Park 3.
Last Phone Call: Mum.
Last Cd Played: Um... its been that long since I've played a CD... WAS going to play Never Enough the other day but never got around to it.
Last Bubble Bath: I can't remember :(
Last time you Cried: two nights ago.
Last thing you ate: Baked Beans.
Last bad thing you did: Disrupted the class yesterday.

EIGHT HAVE YOU EVERS
Have you ever dated one of your best friends?: No.
Have you ever been arrested?: Nope.
Have you ever skinny dipped: Almost, kinda, sorta, not really.
Hve you ever been on stage?: I wa sin a play once.
Have you ever been in a fist fight: No, but I've had osmeone try to choke me.
Have you ever been in love: Yes.
Have you ever danced naked?: Yes.
Have you ever sang infront of an audience: not any audience that wanted to listen to my tuneless crap.

SEVEN THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW
1. shoes
2. socks
3. underwear
4. trackpants
5. Dragons Rugby Top
6.
7.

wow I fail ha ha

SIX THINGS YOU'VE DONE TODAY
1. dishes.
2. laundry.
3. ate breakfast.
4. browsed forums.
5. showered.
6. talked to Jamie.

(not necessarily in that order lol)

FIVE FAVORITE THINGS IN NO ORDER
1. Hawthorn Footy Club
2. Online Games
3. Xbox 360
4. Yummy food
5. Iced Chocolate.

FOUR PEOPLE YOU FEEL YOU CAN TELL ALMOST ANYTHING TO
1. Jamie
2. Pants
3. The Psychologist (that's a damn given hahaha)
4. Taking applications.

THREE CHOICES
1. Black or White: Grey.
2. Hot or Cold: Warm.
3. Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate!

TWO THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE
1. Meet Jamie.
2. Meet Bron.

ONE THING YOU REGRET
1. Why regret? Everything that has happened leads me to the here and now and the person I am, and I think I am a damn good person.

So she came back again.

Things are a lot more settled between us now. Helps that the counselling I've had has been helpful. Working on processes to find a positive to balance any negative, and also to develop a positive self esteem.

I've made a lot of progress. Still a fair way to go, but I have gained awareness of when I am flipping out, while I am doing so (rather than the temporary insanity it usually feels like) and have thus stopped myself from raging one time. I am very grateful for this improvement in my emotional awareness. It was still really sucky for me in the moment, as I was insecure and sad and scared, but it was good because I didn't say anything stupid to bugger up my friendship with Jamie again.

Feel like we are making progress. I know I am.

So to add to the stress of Jamie being miss incommunicado again, I today lost my job.

Good thing I had already arranged to go in and see my counsellor today. She said at least it provides us with a good opportunity to start working on my confidence and stuff. Which is true, and the bright side is the 20% of the time I am thinking about how much the people at work pissed me off by being exaggerating pricks, means I am not thinking about Jamie. I'd much rather be angry than sad.

Plus I need to do things for me and try and have fun. I am then meant to write about them here, as she asked me to write them somewhere.

When I came home today I jumped on the Xbox 360 to play a game of NBA 2k9 with Jake. I was losing a little but it was cool, it was only the first half and we had an enjoyable conversation. Then the 2k9 server died... so Jake and I played Madden 09. First time I've ever played Madden 09 (besides two minutes to look at controls). I won 24 - 7 from 4 min quarters. Yes I was quite satisfied with that effort. Playing Madden generally makes me happy, as of late so has the NBA 2K9 game.

Tonight I shall be making pasta for dinner. I should hopefully enjoy the cooking experience.

Oh and I bought Madden 10 today, because I got my centrelink advance and wanted to treat myself before everything else goes on bills.

Tomorrow I have to make sure I do some exercise, and I think I'll wash my sisters car, I like washing cars, its fun.

And she's gone again I think.

This time I did absolutely nothing wrong and was punished for everyone giving her shit about our friendship and daring to try and talk a few things through.

I can't handle this bullshit right now. Not when everything else in my life is so stressful as is.

Fuck my life.

Yeah so She came back woot!

I've been so busy and sidetracked and stuff I've totally forgot about Live Journal.

Fail.

I have a bitchin cough at the moment, I'll survive, but I feel like such a baby about it, feel so bad. I don't want to do anything.

These thoughts made me realise that Jamie was incredible to me through her illness. I can't even begin to imagine what she has been through, and that caused a massive rift between us, that I just don't know if it will be healed. But I understand now, might be a case of too little too late mind you.

I just hope in time she forgives me, because I may be able to live without her, but I don't want to live without her. I miss her every day.

I miss you hon. Every day.

Hey Guys so I got an Xbox on Monday and it came with three FPS games that I just don't have the aptitude for. I think the controls are stupid. Xbox is for sports and racing games.

As a result I have three pretty brand new games for sale or trade (for sports games for the xbox 360). Gears of war and gears of war 2 as well as Halo 3.

comment if interested and we can go from there (sellin most for half or market value if not less as have had no more than ten minutes game play between them).

So Jamie is either still hating me or still trying to help me in her own fucked up way.

Either way it sucks, but I AM trying to do something about the things I can.

I'll even be doing the whole counselling thing. And I'm going out tonight. Woot.

But fuck I do miss her so much.

When I would write in my LJ every day, if not several times a day.

It's been about two weeks. Granted, I've been neglecting a lot more the LJ, pretty much everything except CoD4 - as I have been depressed.

Think I really haven't written much since Jamie's cancer diagnosis. She's doing okay, she's just tired a lot. I don't get to see her much, which adds to my sadness.

I'm tired a lot and I think that just comes from feeling depressed. Really don't want to do anything come work days, I have more motvation on the weekend, simply because it's my time to do what I want... but I really sometimes just want to stay in bed all day.

I miss Jamie. I wish she would talk to me more. Stupid cancer.

I still feel so alone.

It's Jamie's birthday today (in America - so June 2nd). She seems so not interested in talking to me.

Maybe she just doesn't want to be my friend anymore.

I don't know. Just know it hurts to be me right now. Period.

I've never felt more lonely in my life.

I hate being here. I'm not where I should be and it is frustrating as anything that you can imagine being incredibly frustrating. I'm getting depressed again, the last thing I feel like doing is anything. Like work for instance, but I keep going and doing it because it's something I've learned to keep doing even when I feel like shit.

I miss Jamie. When I see her all we do is play games, we don't talk like we used to. I understand why, but it sucks because I have nobody who truly understands me to talk to now. I just wanna curl up in my bed and cry myself to sleep, that's all I want to do (given that it's the only thing I can feasibly do). Cant't even do that cos my sister is in my room sleeping on the spare bed and me being emotional makes her uncomfortable. Yay for my fucked up life.

And meh. It's all just FUBAR.