Sometimes All You Need is One

Hey Guys so I got an Xbox on Monday and it came with three FPS games that I just don't have the aptitude for. I think the controls are stupid. Xbox is for sports and racing games.

As a result I have three pretty brand new games for sale or trade (for sports games for the xbox 360). Gears of war and gears of war 2 as well as Halo 3.

comment if interested and we can go from there (sellin most for half or market value if not less as have had no more than ten minutes game play between them).

So Jamie is either still hating me or still trying to help me in her own fucked up way.

Either way it sucks, but I AM trying to do something about the things I can.

I'll even be doing the whole counselling thing. And I'm going out tonight. Woot.

But fuck I do miss her so much.

When I would write in my LJ every day, if not several times a day.

It's been about two weeks. Granted, I've been neglecting a lot more the LJ, pretty much everything except CoD4 - as I have been depressed.

Think I really haven't written much since Jamie's cancer diagnosis. She's doing okay, she's just tired a lot. I don't get to see her much, which adds to my sadness.

I'm tired a lot and I think that just comes from feeling depressed. Really don't want to do anything come work days, I have more motvation on the weekend, simply because it's my time to do what I want... but I really sometimes just want to stay in bed all day.

I miss Jamie. I wish she would talk to me more. Stupid cancer.

I still feel so alone.

It's Jamie's birthday today (in America - so June 2nd). She seems so not interested in talking to me.

Maybe she just doesn't want to be my friend anymore.

I don't know. Just know it hurts to be me right now. Period.

I've never felt more lonely in my life.

I hate being here. I'm not where I should be and it is frustrating as anything that you can imagine being incredibly frustrating. I'm getting depressed again, the last thing I feel like doing is anything. Like work for instance, but I keep going and doing it because it's something I've learned to keep doing even when I feel like shit.

I miss Jamie. When I see her all we do is play games, we don't talk like we used to. I understand why, but it sucks because I have nobody who truly understands me to talk to now. I just wanna curl up in my bed and cry myself to sleep, that's all I want to do (given that it's the only thing I can feasibly do). Cant't even do that cos my sister is in my room sleeping on the spare bed and me being emotional makes her uncomfortable. Yay for my fucked up life.

And meh. It's all just FUBAR.

I am going with Naomi to a new gym today to find out about prices and see if I like it. If I do I'll be going with Naomi and Rowena a lot as that will make it easier to be motivated to begin with. This whole 6:30am in the morning thing I am not very warm to, but I am sure I'll adjust.

Just waiting for Naomi to show up, as the gym is right across town.

So I figured I'd write something here in Live Journal.

Well best be going. See ya'll on the flipside.

So I've been fairly productive the past couple weeks (in spurts). Cleaned out a couple of draws and got rid of a lot of unneccessary paperwork cluttering my life. Organised the rest into a couple of folders - well my sister did, she likes being organised like that.

Yesterday and today I've been sorting out my music collection. Streamlining the folders and organising location, so that if I want to search for a file manually I can find it more easily. I've also been putting some more of my CDs onto my computer, that's a long and arduous task given the number of CDs I have. This music organisation has been brought on in part by the new logitech 2.1 speakers I have. Music sounds really good from my computer now!

I just got distracted by lunch and Dollhouse - which just continues to get better and better. Joss Whedon is a genius.

Well best call it an entry for now. see ya'll on the flipside.

So two nights ago... I led an uprising and quite a few members left UWS. We are in Padre's community ~reQuiem|Gaming now and I am the CoD4 boss. Means a lot of stuff toorganise, but I do at least have a core group of guys around me to help me out. Will need a few more good members (By good I mean decent people who are online to play a bit), but other than that it is looking good. Felt horrible about leaving, but I feel much better, period hanging out with these guys without the fear of being pulled away for another rant by Dog.

Have been waiting for a monster backlash, but there hasn't been one. Well so far anyway.

Meh it's cold... that is as big an update as you're all getting.

So Hawks lost their third game yesterday. That sucked. I fear with all their injuries it is going to be a long season. I'll probably lose the bet I had with Jay.

Last night I melted the base of my measuring jug in the microwave (it had gotten weak so yeah phooey on it). So I need a new one.

Things had been tough for me and Jamie for a bit and I got very angry at her, even to the point that I left her a phone message that ended with a rather angry and loud "Fuck you". Since we talked about that she has put in a bit more effort. She knows I'm the one she can depend on to do the right thing by her, with what limited things I can do. What's more she knows she was a lot more happier when she spent more time with me. She also knows she has been being an ass to me and neglectful of me and has made an effort to be more communicative and spend time with me, which I have been appreciating.

She should get her birthday present soon, she gets hers early, cos she really wanted a game so we could play together. So I bought it and sent it to her. I am a softy when it comes to her. Fact is it make sme happy when I help her have happy moments.

So yeah that's the update for today. Probably for the next week and a half, since I'm just not so inclined to write in here at the moment.

To those that wished me a happy birthday, thank you.

To everyone else, just don't. It isn't happy. And I don't want to hear any more about my fucking birthday.

Thank you.

I only know one good woman, Jamie. The rest are evil, no offence intended. That's just how I feel.

The upside to that is now Jamie and I are feeling comfortable again. it makes me happy.

Other women just make me unhappy. So I shall stay away from them me thnks.

Gah, back to bed.

Its funny how Live Journal and myself go through phases. Phases where I write every day if not multiple times, and then I can go months posting maybe once a week. The funny thing is it has nothing to do with time at my computer, because I sitll spend plenty of time there. I think I just cannot be bothered writing down how I feel sometimes.

I guess between gaming and working on my website and work, I have not much time to visit the land of live journal. Still I thought i better check in.

It's been long enough, but FINALLY a new epsiode of One Tree Hill next week. Bring it on I say.

Also loving Dollhouse. Unfortunately that's the kiss of death. ANY new American show I like from the get go, rarely ever lasts beyond one season. Let me list for you.

Committed (11 episodes I think).
Tru Calling (axed several episodes into season 2).
Commander in Chief (one season and done).

Thankfully my obsessions with Buffy and Xena were after they were established, or they wouldn't have lasted either. Hope the curse of my liking a damn show is broken with Dollhouse.

In other news. Work is going okay, but I am still pretty broke. I have however started a savings account. If I can always find $10 for a sub, I can find $10 to put away each week. Not much, but is aimed at developing a good habit.

Also plan to go out to the local gay pub Friday night as well. Trying to mee tnew people and make new friends and make my life more fulfilling. Thirdly I will then try to get back to the gym.

But now I am going to nap. Laters all.

I realised today that I am a failure at everything.

There is nothing in life I am good at.

I'm bad at everything that matters to me. And bad at the shit that doesn't either.

How fucking fair is that? Not only do I have to be lonely, I have to be a failure at everything I do.

Yeah I'ms till alive. Haven't posted much I know. Just dealing with life I guess.

Great to see Eliza Dushku back in a new series, although Dollhouse does seem a little odd, but what can you expect from the mind of Joss Whedon? I didn't mind the first episode, it shows promise.

Work is going good, although I am incredibly snowed under. Swear I need an extra five hours each week to get through it all.

Life is just plodding along I guess, I'll get there eventually.

Just wanted to post so everybody out there in LJ land knew I was still in existance heehee

So I've been having issues with my headset, the sound has appeared to be backwards. So I've been listening to CoD4 via speakers and then tonight it appeared my speakers had died. So out of necessity Tommy was like, switch your headset around... it worked a lot better and then I noticed later I had been wearing them around the wrong way the whole time. Woops. Silly Wolvey.

But that's not all... it turns out my speakers and sound card are fine... I had accidentally turned master volume to 0. I have no idea how that happened, but I guess it did. So by that sheer fluke, my gaming experience has been improved. So indeed the universe works in mysterious ways and I am so incredibly grateful.

Thank you universe, for that. No thanks for fucking Jamie and her internet over, but then I suppose I should say thank you as it has led to an important couple of emails.

I am so sick of the ants. I come hoem and they have a line marching through my kitchen to my rubbish bin... for fucks sake... its like they have this massive fucking nest outside my backdoor, the amount of poison I laid out over the past week should haev killed a normal amount of ants, but NO I am tempted to feed them the poison in their burrow... they may just leave me the fuck alone then.

Operation DIE-YOU-FUCKING-ANTS begins right now.

Torture is this heat combined with the fact I have two new episodes of the L Word I cannot watch until Jamie gets home. Why not? Because she was more organised than me and discovered they were out already, and instead of watching them when she had them she kept them so we could watch them together. So now that I have them too, I must wait for her to get home. It's only fair.

Besides, there is something oddly comforting about watching the same program at the exact same time as her. Almost but not quite, like we are curled up watching TV together. This is the one show we watch together. It was something we started last season and I look forward to continuing this season.

As for this heat... how about a fucking cool breeze please? I have a temperamental computer, I don't want it to say "meh, fuck this heat" and quit on me. I personally don't care if I bake, as much as I hate it, I just don't want my PC to bake. So please be good to me weather Gods!

Ugh so much sweat. This is horrid. I'm going to need fifty showers today. Only a slight exaggeration.

Alrighty have fun people. I'm going to go plan my late breakfast.

Yay is not for me but for Jamie. She got promoted at work. That is awesome. I knew she could do it and she did and I am so proud of her. She's a champ!

That's all I really wanted to write, but since I'm here. It's hot, really hot. In the short time I am in the sun while travelling to work, my whole brow sweats like a really sweaty thing and I have to wipe my brow down with tissues. It sucks.

But last day of work for the week, I have handled the first two days really well and I am feeling both confident and joyous about my new position. Also as of next week should have somebody else working with me. So no 2.5 hours alone each night. YAY. Actually means I have to train them next week, which will make getting my job done painfully difficult, but oh well!

Hope all is well out there in internet land!

So last week was pretty hectic, being back and forward so much with work training and work itself. The heat made most of it unbearable. Yet I survived and had a four day weekend to recover before today jumping into my expanded 3pm - 8pm role. I'm nervous, but I know I can do everything I have to do so far. it's more some of the little stuff, like whether my account for tasks and such has been set up, that is concerning me. Login details and the such. That's what is nerve wracking. Once that's sorted out all will be good.

Jamie was incredible yesterday, as usual when it was needed she was there for me. Even though I wasn't being exceptionally emotional and stuff, I was talking about some stuff important to me, and so she stayed up late just listening and providing minimal feedback. She even managed to move to her bed to rest, without me knowing. She was basically making sure I didn't feel like I had to rush or that she wanted to go, even though she probably needed to go.

I feel like I am having more happy moments now, than I used to and I feel like she's helping me be more level headed and to cope with things better. I still have my moments of course, but in general it feels like I am coping better.

Oh and I asked her the other day who she would want to be there for her if she needed somebody and she said me. That made me feel good. Feels good to know she trusts me to be there for her, and that even if in one moment I can't be there I will be within hours, rather than days. Really feeling appreciated by her at the moment, and that does wonders for my self esteem.

Oh well time to shower and get my arse organised. I think Nachos for breakfast, because I can't wait for lunch ha ha. Have a good day all.