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elektra what

I am that fucked up.

To follow on from the post on depression that is doing the rounds on facebook, I thought you all should know a little about what I deal with. I get the whole depression thing, but I can be fine, and out of the blue the littlest thing can bring my world crashing down. Innocent things get twisted in my brain to the point that my self esteem takes a hiding, that my logical understanding of things can be twisted. I can end up curled up on my bed bawling, because nothing makes the pain go away because I genuinely feel so alone and unloved and that nothing good is ever going to happen to me. It's so hard to stop feeling that way, and then I can find an even keel, and once again the rug is pulled from underneath me. That doesn't mean that is actual truth, the truth might be that the person who must not love me does, but when I get stuck on this twisted thinking, for me the truth is what I feel, not what it might actually be in the real world. So don't be offended if I post that I feel unloved or that I am so alone. I know people love me and are there for me and I know that good things can happen, but when I get taken over, I may as well just not know that cause in my head and heart I apparently don't. Yes this was a personal share, but I feel people should have an opportunity to understand what I go through on a daily basis. And for me right now its is all exacerbated by the fact that my very condition drove away the one person I love the most in this world. So I really don't like myself right now even though I know that I am a good loving person, I just can't fathom anything positive right now.
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Hello my friend :)

First off, IT'S OKAY! It's okay be sad or feel alone/depressed even when you can feel the love of others all around you. If you've been reading my own LJ you'll know that despite having amazing friends all around me (and family who loves me) I went through like three/four days of depression that I COULD NOT UNDERSTAND. It happens. And it passes. I'm not gonna shower you with my dearly love for you or any of that, because I know that you know that I've got that for you. I just want you to know that it's okay to feel the way you do, you're not alone in feeling that way. If you don't want to (or feel you can't) fight it, then don't, just coast.

I met a woman the other night, we hit it off, we have a date tomorrow (I'm excited, I think she really likes me) however. I got a text from her on Monday, it was simple, she just simply hoped I was having a good day. I was THROWN into an anxiety attack, wanting to know what hell she wanted, why would she text me when I would be seeing her in just two days. It's my deal, it's my issues, she did nothing wrong, the problems lie inside of me. But the world didn't change just because I flipped out over nothing. So I guess in a way it's okay that I freaked, maybe it was just a sign that I still have a lot of issues I need to work on.

I don't know if any of that helps. I hope it does. *Hugs and Kisses* darling. -T
onetreehillweb rachel

December 2011

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